It’s take me ages to write this, and for what I want to convince you is a good reason. I am intensely lazy. Also, what I’m going to talk about depends on factors known only to those involved. I am talking about sending messages to totally hot people on the Internet.
When you send your messages out, it’s content will always depend on your interests, and obviously those of the recipient. I’d like to start out by saying don’t send messages along the lines of “u r so hot bb lik my pennis” or whatever. In the interest of science, I created a dummy account with the sole intention of sending out messages like this. The results made me feel pretty damn good about myself. Those that replied were on the opposite end of happy. I figured most wouldn’t bother replying, and at a total of fifty of these messages sent out, I got eight replies with differing variations of fuck off, implied or straight up said. It stands to reason that if you send out enough of these someone will bite the hook, maybe the 51st message would have taken the bait and then I’d be stuck in a character I have no interest in. A possible one out of 51 isn’t a good statistic, though. So what do?
Read. Read that persons profile over and over. Picking your opening subject is pretty tough. Bare in mind that people are on the whole fairly dim, and would all ask the same question or say more or less
the same thing. As you read over the profile, you’ll see something that sticks out. File that away in your mind cabinet for later, and then pick something else. I know it sounds counter intuitive, but that will most likely be every one else’s opener, too, and we’re original, right? Just don’t talk about their picture or appearance, because that IS the first thing 95% of people will talk about. After a while, I’d imagine all of these people would blend into one giant, perverted behemoth with a perpetual boner which is also the name of my next band. We’re ska folk fusion.
How do you greet this person? For some reason non common openers had better results. Saying “Hi” or “Hey” yielded a massive zero responses. The ones that got the most was “Hallo, thar” and “Howdy.” Yeah, I don’t get it either. Maybe chicks dig 1930’s farmers and cowboys, we’ll never know.
So, we’ve got all that shit down. You’ve got your first word written! What next? I have a penis and enjoy boobies, so I messaged chicks, and using even more science I found that ladies like funny things. So, do
that. My favourite message I sent out was to a girl that was a writer, and mentioned she liked zombie movies. I suppose it kind of bucks the trend of not picking out the most obvious feature of the profile,
which in this case would be zombies, but I figured it was worth it. My very first message to her had the title “If this were a zombie holocaust…” and contained the message “Your brain would taste the
best.” I waited to see if I got a reply, and wondered if it was just eye-rollingly retarded. Fist pumping action began when she replied and thought I was funny. We messaged back and forth for a good month and a half before she disappeared. Maybe she thought I ended up creepy or something, I dunno.
Length of the message is a fairly important factor. You might be willing to read a wall of text, but you have to expect that the other person gets a lot of messages, and won’t want to take the time to read
an essay. A couple of sentences will do the trick, it’s easier to look at, read and remember. It helps to ask a question, specifically something that can’t be answered with a one word answer. If they’re a
student, ask something about that. If they’re a vegetarian, tell a white lie and make believe you’re thinking of becoming one, too, and ask for tips or recipes. Be inventive.
Lastly, be literate. It’s not a turn on when people are left wondering if they’ve just been sent a message by a six year old or someone with severe learning difficulties. I know I probably shouldn’t have to say
this here, not only because it stands to reason and we are geeks, after all, but you never know. If you suck ass at spelling, get a spell chack add on for your browser, or type out your messages in a
word processor that has a built in spell check. I’ve received messages from girls that have the most atrocious spelling and what little grammar existed in it was painful, not that mine is faultless. That’s for next weeks topic, the best and worst message I’ve received, but for now get to practising!
