Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Written By: Dani
People are really fond of talking about love. There have been entire books published, movies made and songs written about nothing but love. Do you know what love is? Do I? Probably not. Hell if I know what the Oxford dictionary has to say about it and I’ll be damned if I look it up because I’m lazy and because it’s probably wrong anyway. It most likely says something about “immense feelings of adoration” or some nonsense. Who the hell is the Oxford dictionary to tell me what I’m feeling? Everyone thinks they’re an expert on love. Let me tell you… why that’s bullshit.
Have you ever been in love? Probably. Let me take a shot in the dark here… You felt happier than you’d ever thought you’d been before in your life, the universe suddenly made sense and you felt butterflies in your stomach. How long did that last? A week? Two weeks, maybe? And then what? Normalcy, that’s what. You get used to them and their habits. Those same quirks that you found oh, so endearing a week ago will begin to wear on your goddamn nerves a few months down the road. So what exactly were we in love with? “Oh, he’s so sweet. He compliments me all the time.” Then a year later those compliments have been repeated to you over and over, it’s as though they’d been beaten with a blunt object to the point of death. Now they’re annoying and he’s a kissass. “We do everything together! It’s like we’re attached at the hip!” Honey… that clingy sonuvabitch is going to get kicked to the curb faster than you can say “Personal space.” Or you will, depending on who is the clingier one. What are we in love with then? It’s not so much the person we’re attracted to as it is their personality traits and certain characteristics they possess.
A. Physical attributes.
Ever “fall in love” with someone you seriously thought was just the most drop-dead gorgeous thing on the planet? What would have happened if they gained oh, let’s say 70 lbs within the first 6 months of dating. You’re already “in love,” right? You can’t just say “Hey, I fell in love with the lighter version of you. This isn’t what I signed up for.” Because you love them! No, not really. You start looking for a reason to end the relationship altogether because the feeling of adoration and attraction simply isn’t there anymore. So were you in love with THEM… or the skinnier version of them?
Or perhaps you see potential for love. I’ve been there, I’m guilty, you’re not alone. You meet a guy and he’s smart and funny and all that clich eacute; nonsense but… y’know, that eyebrow ring has just GOT to go. And he needs to start working out. And his wardrobe needs a serious update. Now that we’ve fixed him up, we can fall in love. Funny and smart though he might have been… he wasn’t “love” material until he shaved. Now the butterflies can commence.
Seriously, you might as well just get a life-sized Ken doll and dress him up to your custom liking.
B. Personality.
Everyone has flaws. No one has the perfect personality, we all know that. Some people are more vain than others (mostly women) but even those individuals are aware of the… less attractive facets of their character. We’re even more aware of the undesirable traits our significant other possesses, aren’t we? I mean, your girlfriend might be great and all, but MAN does her sense of humor bother you. So you try to fix her. You make her watch YOUR favorite stand-up and you shoot down her jokes before the first syllable leaves her mouth. But you won’t dump her because you love her.
The hell do you love about her? Because she’s got to have some serious knockers going on to make up for a shit sense of humor. What, you can’t put in the effort to find someone you actually, I don’t know, like? Call me naive, but I find it easier to fall in love (and stay in love for longer than the amount of time it takes to realize you can’t teach an old dog new jokes) with someone when you already like them. You know, as a person. Whatever that means.
So if someone could explain to me this need to constantly be “in love,” even if it happens to be with someone you don’t necessarily like, maybe I could stop raging for five minutes at how innately retarded the concept of “in love” is. Do you love them… or how they make you feel?
Here’s my advice, faceless reader: If you think you’re in love right now and you’ve got that fuzzy feeling all over and you’re vomiting rainbows and puppies from your ears (that’s what happens when you’re in love, right?), then make a list. Top 20 traits that special someone has that makes you all giggly and retarded-feeling. If 90% of what’s on that list still applies in, oh, let’s be optimistic for a tetra second and say 6 months, then congratulations! You might actually genuinely tolerate that person and all of their nasty-ass habits and annoying quirks. HOWEVER… if “I love the way he ruffles my hair,” suddenly becomes “I swear to god, if you touch my hair one more time,” well then… I’ve got some bad news for you.
I don’t know what love is. I don’t really care to try to explain it or pretend I know what the hell it means to adore someone to the point where I physically NEED to be in their presence. But don’t you dare sit there and try to tell me that just because he can tolerate you enough to suck on your neck for 20 minutes and take you out for a fancy dinner of salad and a glass of water, he loves you. He probably just loves you as long as you’re not obese. And you probably just love him as long as he can bench press 175 lbs, so you’re both retarded as far as I’m concerned.
