Written by Dani:
I’ve gotten a lot of grief over the years regarding the way I “love.” I’m not much for candles and roses, as nice a sentiment as they may be, and am a bit too practical for most. A bouquet of flowers may be pretty, but now I have to dig into my shed for a freaking vase to put them in and watch the petals fall one by one as it slowly dies on my dining room table. It’s a bit of a morbid gift.
Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.netI’m not typical when it comes to displaying emotions; I’ve made my peace with that. I prefer ambiguous compliments shrouded in sarcasm to sweet nothings any day of the week (including holidays.) I love to the best of my ability and that tends to fall short of most people’s expectations. At first, I was slightly bitter and resentful towards those asking things from me which I could not give. Now I realize how unusual I may be and feel more of a self-loathing than anything.
Let me paint a picture for you…
I’m sitting there (don’t ask me where “there” is, just imagine a place where such a scene could logically occur and you’re set) and I spot an attractive person somewhere nearby. Our eyes meet and said person smiles at me, awaiting a return smile as an indication that I may be inviting them over for an awkward introduction. Then THIS runs through my head:
“Oh, and person is cute… maybe I should smile back. Who knows? Maybe we
‘ll hit it off. And maybe date. I could see that; we’d make a fairly good-looking couple.
But wait…
What if they’re the type who likes a lot of attention in a relationship? The ‘call or text me every day’ type. I can’t give them that. Or what if they’re the type that wants to play video games together ALL THE TIME? I mean, WoW is my -me- time; it’s my freakin’ escape. Or what if they insist on PDA? I’m so not down for that. Besides, I’ve got too much on my plate right now. A relationship would be nothing but a burden and a time sink. And possibly money sink. No, not “possibly”; -definitely-. They might be the sweetest person in the world… and damn are they cute. No, they deserve someone who’s willing to spend time with them. I’ll just ignore them and hope they find a good match elsewhere. It’s the least I could do. ” And so, without fail, I proceed to turn away and pretend I didn’t see said cutie.
I realize this mentality is unhealthy but honestly, it might be better to be single and content than in a relationship and burdened or constantly fighting over how little time you can offer your partner. It’s almost selfish, isn’t it?
I realize I weed them out before I can even try and see, but even that seems like such a waste of time. Mostly theirs. I mean, hell, most people wouldn’t apply to me; let’s get real. How am I supposed to find someone who plays video games, watches cartoons, doesn’t blast nasty-ass ’60’s music all day, has a decent sense of humor and a sharp-wit… AND can tolerate an ice queen of a girlfriend? Yeah that’s not happening.
It may not be because I am incapable of love, I’m simply incapable of the type of love most people are accustomed to. I can’t give romance and poetry; it’s simply not in my nature. And I’m sure as shit there are others out there like me who get bitched at because we can’t seem to act the way a proper girl/boyfriend should according to whatever bullshit standards you’ve bought into.
I may not love the way you want me to but I love with whatever I can give. That’s all I can offer and that should be enough. But it’s not, is it?
