Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.netWritten by: Dave the Drummer
When I was way younger, I got diagnosed as having bipolar disorder, which basically means I’m an emotional wreck. Being Irish, I thought so what else is new? You can tell a lot about a culture by their drinking songs. Americans love the shit out of counting groups of things in reverse order, Australia has one where the person drinking is a bastard or something, and Irish drinking songs are full of comic tragedy, with emphasis on the tragedy. So, we’re a fairly miserable bunch.
It poses a problem, though, particularly in relationships. How does one go about breaking this news to people you’d want to get long-term intimate with? Just straight up say “Hi! I am Dave, and I am bipolar, wanna get coffee?” I’ve noticed that a lot of the time, no matter how long I’ve known a person, that what they really hear is “I am actually going to murder you whilst you sleep.” I’ve been lucky enough in past relationships that it’s never been an issue, the opportunity never arose for them to learn exactly what it’s like. Given how I met my last ex, we were both fully aware of exactly how fucked up we both were. It still didn’t work out (Clearly), but it definitely made so many thinks much easier.
But then, what if I convince someone to marry me? I’m confident that I couldn’t keep it under wraps forever. And what if a kid happens? What if it’s all screwed in the head? I can’t imagine that being a good time for any one involved. What if they get sick of my shit, wanna get a divorce, and there’s a kid? All that paperwork, I suck at it. It’s bad enough that I have to put up with me, I couldn’t blame someone else for not wanting to deal with it. If there was someone who had a compulsion to punch me in the ear randomly, but they were still real cool and nice and it wasn’t their fault, I would avoid that person forever because have you ever been punched in the ear? It hurts, man. Also not a good time.
I have a simple solution. At a certain age, everyone on the planet is given a rock, the size of which is in direct relation to their sanity. The most sane people get a wee pebble, just a tiny thing. The psychotically violent get a huge boulder. It works on many levels. First you get to see right away what the inside of that person’s head is potentially like. Secondly, it would be really difficult for psychotically violent people to chase you about the place with a massive rock attached to them. Pregnant women are issued an
upgrade when they go to their Doctor to find out if they’ve got a baby on the way. Everyone gets a rock, so it’s completely fair. I am OK with this. Shit, you can even decorate it to fit your personality!
I totally just thought of that. The idea just keeps getting better.
