There are two quotes I really like. The first was said by Harvey Pekar, “Ordinary life is pretty complex stuff” and the other is “Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions” said by my imaginary good friend Woody Allen.
In life there are rules and shit. Unfortunately, not everyone has read them, and not everyone who has agrees or goes along with them. Stuff like the Bro Code, which people use when it suits them. Say a good buddy bangs your Sister, you’d probably beat him senseless after you drunkenly stumble out of the lavatory. But can you blame him? What if you totally dig a friends Sister? Ordinary life, it’s pretty complex, man. It reminds me of a shitty job I had where the boss wanted “Dedication.” It’s difficult to be dedicated to a job when everyone around you is either an asshole or an idiot, maybe both. What do you do? You quit, right? Try get a better job, yeah? Sticking it out in a place that makes you miserable is just dumb. A paycheck in exchange for dignity and sanity never has enough zeroes at the end. Maybe life and those rules are kind of like that. But then you get to personal morals. If something you want is surrounded by something you gotta get by, but doing it goes against those God damn morals, would that thing be awesome when you get it, or would it always remind you of that one time you were a total dick? Stupid morals.
Then we come to sex, the single most interesting and horrifying thing on the planet. Ever learn to ride a bike? You get on it, wobble around, fall over, feel like a dipshit and cry, then give it another shot, it’s not like the bike minds. It’s pretty tough to completely destroy a bike, you gotta run over it or something. Learning to sex at people is exactly like that apart from if you wobble around, fall over and feel like a dipshit and cry, that’s sort of a big deal. We should have practicals during sex education. Then there’s all those idiosyncrasies that apply to individual people. There’s no point in having a rule book for sex, it’s all different even though things generally go the same place once in a while or so I’m told. You grow up learning things like “Rape is bad, yeah?” And you think shit yeah, pretty heinous right about there. Then out of the blue someone whispers to you seductively “Rape me.” After the initial shock and what to me is a fairly obvious thought process to go through, “But, is it rape if you ask me?” so on, how does one go about that? I’m a small guy, man, give me a break! I’ll attempt to over power you if you promise to put up slightly more than zero resistance, OK? Just be gentle, I bruise easily. What about those things that you feel are super fulfilling but are worried people will find odd? Maybe you’re into wearing lady clothes and want pastry thrown at you or whatever. It’s all well and good saying “Well, just talk about it” but would you? As much as people say they would, I have a hard time believing that. Everyone should come with a rule book. We need to clear up this stuff. Just like the special rock I’ve been carrying around and like profiles for dating sites, I propose we all carry around some sort of notification of our kinks (Thanks, Nerdygirl) and so on. I know, it seems very separatist, but it’s for the greater good or whatever, I dunno.
Failing that (I notice I’m the only one carrying around a large rock) we could all be straight up and brutally honest about everything. Some people have no problem with that, those feckers have a head start. Let’s ask those interesting questions about sex! I can’t think of any right now because it’s 4:10 am and I’m really fucking tired. Ordinary sex is pretty complex stuff, yo.
