Written by Dave the Drummer:
If you listen to the show, first off I apologise, but more importanly you’ll know what happened when I went out and tried to use the line “I’m flirting with you, now”. It was terrible. So, the task remained, I still had to do it. Ever diligent in my quest to make a complete idiot of myself, I headed off to my local venue for a night of doom, hardcore punk, sweaty palms and alco-burps.
Last time around it was a thrash metal night. Not a whole lot of chicks dig thrash metal. Punk, on the other hand, yields a fairly impressive turn out. I arrive in, get my drink and help prop up the wall. I looked around and realised, fuck, I got a choice here, but only one line! Do I use it once and call it a night? Do I use it, then try to come up with more? Do I use it over and over again on as many people as I can until it becomes meaningless? Yeah, that one! That makes it a game and stops me from having to use my brain.
The problem with this one is that I was still nervous as shit, tallied with talking to a whole bunch of people. What’s my prize, here? Whiskey. Yup, for every lady I used the line on, I was allowed a drink. Disclaimer, I don’t really recommend you do this. Cake is a good substitute, and if you walk around a venue with a cake I imagine people will probably want to talk to you more, because they totally would want some.
After my first, which I decided didn’t count because I had bought it before I made the rules, I ninjad my way next to a chick during the first act, Mael Mordha, a Celtic doom metal band. How would I get her to notice I was there without being weird or gropey? Loud seemed like a good option. So when the track ended, I screamed and waved my arms around, being loud but also weird. She looked at me, made a crooked smile and asked “Enjoying the band, so?” I realised I wasn’t nearly drunk enough to get away with this shit, so replied “Yeah! Also, I am flirting with you right now.” One point to me! Her look of confusion was definitely the best I could have realistically hoped for.
After drink number two, I decided to go up for a smoke. There were a few people up there, but none of them packing a vagina in their pants. I lit up, feeling bummed, when three girls came around the corner. They clearly weren’t there to see the bands. One of them stopped and asked for a light, which I passed over. Then another asks “So are the bands good?” I figured I’d be honest and tell them yes, but it most likely wasn’t their kind of thing. Then, BRAINWAVE! I say that I know somewhere they might enjoy, but there’s no heating so they’d have to huddle for warmth. It was a bit of a risk, but they asked where it was. The reply? “My place. I’m totally flirting with you, now.” Fuck yeah, I’m taking that as three Mother fucking points! They rolled their eyes, and I was gone before they could tell me I’m an idiot.
Triple whiskey half drunk, I stood in the middle of the room as Only Fumes Corpses smashed out a tune and I realised I was getting pretty drunk. Next to me was a really, really tall girl. Like, fucking GIANT. She caught me looking at her a few times, and when the song finished, she politely asked “What the fuck are you looking at?” I wobbled and told her she was enormous. “Yeah? Fucking problem?” What else could you possibly say to that other than “I’m flirting with you, now.” I carefully dodged her hand using my power of nearly falling over, and made my way to the bar.
Image: Dundee Photographics / FreeDigitalPhotos.netOutside, having another smoke, I spotted two girls. I realised that those chicks previous had stolen my God damn lighter, so I took this as an opportunity to “Mingle.” I very carefully walked over and told them “I’m flirting with you, now.” They stopped their incessent, meaningless chatter to pay attention to me in all of my glory, and said “What?” I repeated it, and one of them asked “Which one?” I guess I must have been having trouble focusing or whatever, and made a good judgment call on which one I should be flirting with. “Whichever one doesn’t try to hit me.” They laughed and walked away. Two points!
I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened next, only that I stayed there for a while after the bands had finished and I was being shooed out by some guy. I thought to myself man, I did real good. I used that line a whole bunch of times! I rolled a cigarette, stopped a girl to ask her for a light and told her I was flirting with her. She told me she was a lesbian, I let her know that it’s OK because I like chicks, too, and that we should get together at some point to discuss it further. The side of my head exploded and my glasses fell off. A blur passed them back to me. I said thanks, found my cigarette which was also on the floor and told the blur I was flirting with it. The blur turned into one of the two from before, and she told me she remembered that I was. “You have anything else?” she asked. “I’m gonna admit, I didn’t really think this through.” She laughed again, and I fell home.
