Dear Friends,
This is Lei. I wrote one post last year and planned to write more often, but hellip; you know. Life gets in the way sometimes. I rsquo;ll do better this year, really! I rsquo;ve been considering what I want to write about. In my first post, I said something about online dating. Of course, you get plenty of dating advice from the others here. The logical thing would probably be to write about my particular area of expertise hellip; kink. Not that I rsquo;m an expert. I just know a little more about some of this stuff than the average person. So each month, I rsquo;m going to write something BDSM related. If you want me to address anything in particular, please let us know.
I started being involved with BDSM when I was about seventeen. I rsquo;ve either experienced or studied a lot in this area. I rsquo;ll bet you never even considered that people in this lifestyle study these things! Well, we do. Not all of us, of course. It rsquo;s like everything else, I suppose. You can go out and start gardening without taking the time to learn what your plants need, or how to make them thrive. You could also watch videos, read, discuss things with other people, and start with just one or two plants to see how it goes. I rsquo;m one of those people who prefers the latter.
These days, I do side work as a pro-domina (aka dominatrix). For those of you who don rsquo;t know- no, that doesn rsquo;t mean I rsquo;m a prostitute with a whip. In fact, I stay fully dressed with my clients, and I don rsquo;t get involved with the mechanics of their orgasms. Yes, I do let some of them ldquo;write their own happy endings rdquo;. I began doing this professionally about six years ago, after I started doing massage work. One of my clients asked me if I rsquo;d consider spanking him. He didn rsquo;t want anything else, and I thought, ldquo;Why not? rdquo; After a few sessions, he asked if he could handle my feet. That doesn rsquo;t bother me, so I went with it. Eventually I had other clients with various requests, and I just went with it.
The term, ldquo;BDSM rdquo; covers a pretty broad range of stuff: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. A person could be involved with just one of these, two of these, or all three. We could actually break each of those things down further, because there are so many differences from couple to couple. I’m not going to do that now, because it would probably require a novel. Instead, I’ll just briefly explain each category.
There rsquo;s Bondage and Discipline. Most people seem to be okay with a little Bondage. Tie your partner up? No problem! Fuzzy handcuffs? Ooh, daring! Once they see spreader bars, some people start getting a little nervous. Bondage can actually be an art, and there are people who take great pride in their ability to do rope work beautifully.
People tend to assume ldquo;Discipline rdquo; means ldquo;Punishment rdquo;. However, these two words are quite different. When we ignore temptation by eating an apple instead of a slice of cake, we practice self-discipline. Here are some other examples of discipline: housebreaking the dog, setting a curfew for our children, or expecting your significant other to follow a budget. In BDSM relationships, discipline could be something like hellip; always greeting your partner at the door with her slippers. It could be always calling your partner, ldquo;Sir rdquo;.
Then there rsquo;s Dominance and Submission. For some people, this is only a sex thing. For others, it isn rsquo;t sexual, but just a character trait. Some people are opposed to D/s relationships and compare it to slavery. However, many of us naturally lean more toward dominance of submission. In most relationships, there rsquo;s somebody who has the ultimate say in things.
This role is stereotypically filled by the male. We rsquo;ve all heard somebody joke about a girl ldquo;wearing the pants ldquo; in the relationship. There rsquo;s no standard joke about a dominant guy ldquo;wearing the skirt rdquo; in the relationship. In homosexual relationships, some people will ask which person is the girl/ guy, with the assumption that the guy is the one in charge.
Then, there rsquo;s Sadism and Masochism. This seems to be the area that bothers people the most when they are on the outside, looking in. It is hard for some people to reconcile the idea that pain can be a part of a loving relationship- and of course, for many people, it isn rsquo;t. Even among those of us who enjoy these types of activities, it’s an aspect of BDSM that can make some of us think, ldquo;My kink is okay, but your kink is not okay. ldquo; Whether or not they enjoy it themselves, few people seem opposed to others enjoying hot candle wax, spanking, biting, or hair pulling. However, there are people who are distressed if a woman enjoys having her breasts beaten until they rsquo;re bruised, or if a man likes being kicked in the groin.
It is important to understand that not every sadist is a monster, and that not every masochist is a victim. Some of us are simply wired differently from others, and as long as both partners are consenting adults, there rsquo;s no harm done. In fact, there are even relationships in which the masochist also identifies as dominant, and sadists who identify as submissive.
Regardless of the flavor of a relationship, it is ultimately about people getting what they need and want. Communication is incredibly important in every relationship. I think it rsquo;s more important with BDSM, because things can get a little blurry. Sometimes, saying no means, ldquo;No. rdquo; Sometimes, it means, ldquo;More, please! rdquo; So if you rsquo;re thinking of exploring all of this, remember to take baby steps and communicate- and have fun!
Smooches!
Find Lei from the Nerdlicious Podcast here to hear more of this, science, and nerdery: http://nerdlicious.podbean.com/
