Hello everyone. I hope that you all had a great Christmas weekend. I hope you all got what you wanted and you all had a great time with the family and the friends. No holidays would be complete without some drama, a lot of love, and overeating, and I hope everyone had a little bit of everything. Well, less drama maybe. I on the other hand, if you guys cared, am experience my own drama, and what better way to vent than to do so on a blog.
For those who follow me on Twitter, I mentioned that I was going dark for the week. I had a rant, I had all this stuff, that I’m going to post on the blog, where you’ll see more after you click…err, more. But someone has been trying to help me, trying to keep me calm. I think she knows what power she has over me, and she could be in this category that I was ranting about. And yet, she’s good, she knows how to keep me sane, maybe for her own reasonings. Either way…she…well, anyway.
So to keep it short, because after the jump, its going to be the rant, and a short story that I hope you all take the time to read. It may be melodramatic, and it may be a bit over emotional, but read it, tell me what you think, tell me I’m an idiot, I can take it. But here’s the deal. People think these things, people feel these things, and I’m just voicing what others keep to themselves. Is it legit? I think so, this is a rant, and its a complaint. Its also a demonstration of how depression can affect people. This is how my mind works now, without my depression medication. And I expect to fight it. I put this out there so that you all give me the motivation to overcome my depression without the use of meds.
—written on my phone—
This will be the one and only post of the week. Recent events have taught me that people are just naturally assholes. (Some of you may be thinking, “where have you been?”) People are simply out for themselves, their thinking limited to their own little world. Few know how to think outside the box, to think outside of themselves, and when they do, they don’t give a crap about you. I know I talk about people being selfish, and doing things because they’re selfish, but I encourage it, but I think our world is SO wrapped up in themselves, they forget there are other people.
I do things for people, like this site, like giving my time, giving a damn about people because it’s in my nature. I try to be as “selfless” as humanly possible because I believe people deserve others trying their best to be decent and honest with them. I’d give even when I have little to nothing to give. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, its just that giving is what I do, this is me being selfish, because I have expectations. My only expectation? A modecum of some gratitude, some appreciation.
I almost want to say, “screw you world!” People are taken advantage of, people are punished, people are given crap and told to smile and take it. We are a society of me, me, me, and forget that there’s also you, you, and you over there. I try to think of you, this is my form of selfish, because I do good things figuring one day someone will recognize it, and want to do the same. Paying it forward and the like, and for once, not think about themselves, but think about others. I encourage, because few encourage, I help, because few help, and people are just jerks. I do this crap because I figure one day, all the sh*t in my life will turn around (and I know it won’t happen on my own, I’m doing my part to make things better) and good things will happen. People remind me of karma, and I’m beginning to believe I did horrendous things, because karma’s being a bitch.
Sometimes, it feels like it doesn’t pay to be good and decent. I look at the backstabbing liars, cheaters, and manipulators, who screw those around them in search of their own happiness, and people treat them well. The following is a short story with an actual ending, of how I view selflessness, of what people are willing to do for people they love.
— Life is sweet agony: Part 2—
He sat there, watching her get ready. She worked so hard to make sure her makeup was on perfectly, and her hair was straight. It was endearing, and Nathan was entranced every time she did it. See, there was a problem with this situation. Anna wasn rsquo;t getting ready for him, she was prepping her beauty for the guy behind the door.
The knock on the hotel room door signaled his arrival, ready to take her away on some lavish getaway. Josh wrapped on the door again, and Nathan got up to get it, seeing as Anna was too distracted with her preparations. Besides, if she wasn rsquo;t so into what she was doing, she would have asked him to do it anyway.
Nathan was her closest friend, a man who knew her better than she knew herself. For years they had been there for each other, through thick and thin. He did it because he was infatuated with her from the beginning. She did it because, well he didn rsquo;t know why she did it for him. And that was a problem, because he loved her. In his eyes, every woman in the world paled, every cliched line applied to this woman who continued to prep behind him.
With a sigh he answered the door. Before him stood the most pretentious, annoying, charismatic man he had ever met. Josh was a picture of what men wanted to be. He stood tall, strong, his oozing out of every pore. His smile was magnetic, captivating even, and when he spoke, people listened. And Nathan was always nice to the guy, mostly because he couldn rsquo;t help it. As much of a jerk as he was, he was still a ldquo;nice rdquo; guy to people. It was just that Josh just loved himself, more than he did anyone else.
ldquo;Hey Josh, Anna rsquo;ll just be another minute. rdquo;
ldquo;Thanks, bro. You rsquo;re looking good by the way, working out? rdquo; he asked, patting Nathan on the back hard as he walked passed. Nathan just wanted to turn and swing, but he knew better. ldquo;Wow, babe, you look incredible. rdquo;
Nathan watched as Anna visible shivered, happy to hear the compliment. Somehow, she was done and when she spun around, it was like out of a movie. It looked like everything was in slow motion as her blue dress swirled about her legs, her long, black hair flowing about her face, framing it perfectly. And when she stood before them, it was easy to tell, she was a picture of beauty. The first thing you noticed were her eyes. Eyes that took your breathe away. Shifting colors of green and amber floated behind a pair of square framed glasses, watching them both and admiring their approval.
ldquo;Thanks sweetie, rdquo; she said her eyes focusing on Josh, and that was the cue to remind Nathan to breathe. He watched, in the same muted look he practiced so often as they shared a warm embrace and a kiss. ldquo;So where are we going tonight? rdquo;
ldquo;Dinner at the Seven Palms and we rsquo;ll go to that club you love, and afterwards, Vegas. rdquo;
Nathan watched in silence, feeling his stomach get heavy, his heart even heavier. It pained him to watch this exchange, and it pained him even more knowing that these two were oblivious to his feelings for Anna. All they thought was that he was this generous, giving person who would pretty much fly to the ends of the earth for her, because they were the closest of friends. Yeah, Josh teased Nathan for trying to take away his ldquo;girl rdquo;, joking about their friendship being more than what it was.
ldquo;Thanks again Nathan for taking care of this for me, rdquo; Anna said, wrapping him in one of the best hugs he rsquo;s ever felt. ldquo;I rsquo;ll see you three days okay? rdquo; And with that, they left to live it up. Nathan sighed as he looked at his laundry list of things to do. He knew what needed to do be done, Nathan knew her…he bet Josh couldn rsquo;t even tell him her favorite…it didn rsquo;t matter.
The night quickly passed, each task done with efficiency. Nathan fought with the idea that he was being taken advantage of. As a matter of fact, he knew he was, but he was a sucker and let it happen.
Running a hand through his short, black hair, he contemplated what he should do. He couldn rsquo;t keep up the charade forever. Maybe he should just tell her already. But he didn rsquo;t want to complicate the relationship he had with her, or that she had with Josh. This was ridiculous!
Street lamps passed overhead, the dull orange glow shifting along the interior of the car, putting Nathan in a trance. He loved driving at night, the peacefulness of it all, the way the city looked. It was a different world at night, and it was in this darkness that he could hide away, pretend to be something he was not.
But his thoughts often returned to her. It always did, and it was hard not to distract himself from those thoughts. Light, gray eyes tried their best to concentrate on the road, to keep his thoughts and feelings at bay, but he was at his wits end. He either had to get out of it all together, or to make a move, and even if he did say something to her…it could ruin everything.
Something did snap his mind off of her. In front of him, was a car he recognized all to well. The black BMW, swerved to avoid a kid trying to run across the street. The squeal of tires filled the air as the car barreled and spun over, driving into a pick up truck, thrusting them both up against a light post. The cement and steel bent in ways that pushed the truck on top of the already overturned car. The sound of metal tearing metal filled the street.
Nathan stopped the car in the middle of the road and jumped out. The horns honking behind him and the people yelling were drowned out by his thumping heart. He raced to the scene, his body aching from anxiety, his muscles tense from what might be happening.
The truck found its way atop the BMW and its heavy frame baring down on the luxury sedan. Nathan slid to a stop and looked underneath. Josh was crawling out slowly, his body bruised and bloodied, and there in the passenger seat was Anna. Her body seemed pinned underneath the slowly collapsing car.
He looked around for help, but everyone just stared. He yelled at them for assistance, but instead they took out their phones, some hopefully calling 911 while others took pictures and video.
Frustrated Nathan knelt down the ever shrinking space between him and Anna. ldquo;Anna, are you okay? rdquo; he called out, reaching out to her face. She stirred, still strapped into the seatbelt, her hands blindly searching for the clasp. ldquo;Anna, everything will be all right. I just need to get you out of there. rdquo;
Standing he searched the scene, watching as Josh continued to crawl away incoherently. He would be no help to him. Nathan looked to the truck, and winced as he saw the man inside, brains spilled on the dashboard. Panicking, he saw flames spark from the overturned BMW. ldquo;Doesn rsquo;t this only happen in the movies?! rdquo; he screamed at no one, and bent down to Anna.
She was fully awake now, and scared, her eyes darting back and forth trying to make sense of the situation. ldquo;Don rsquo;t worry Anna, I rsquo;m going to get you out of here, rdquo; Nathan reassured. He took her by the hand, and guided her to the open window, letting the adrenaline take over
A loud screech stopped him as the weight of the truck continued to bare down on the sedan, narrowing their escape. N
athan looked for another opening, but he wasn rsquo;t sure how long it would last.
Tears streamed down Anna rsquo;s face as she realized, she may not get out alive. Nathan glanced at the openings and found one he could fit through. Frantically he crawled to it, shoving his way through, feeling warm blood cover his body as glass cut at his stomach and sides. He inched his way in through the rear of the car and found her desperation in her eyes.
Turning on his back he looked at her and smiled. ldquo;I told you I rsquo;d be here for you, now…when I count to three I rsquo;m going to push up on your seat. That should be enough space for you to get through here, and out the back. You got that? rdquo; he asked, in the calmest voice possible. And it was tough to be calm as he watched orange flamed shadows dancing outside the car, reminding him of those street lamps.
ldquo;Ready? On the count of three. One. Two. Three!, rdquo; With all the adrenaline in him, he pushed up with his legs. He could feel his muscles tearing as he pushed the seat high enough for her to crawl through. And as fast as she could she made her way along the back, taking a half a second to peer at him mouthing the words, ldquo;thank you. rdquo;
More grinding and the back window frame shrank even more. ldquo;GO! rdquo; Nathan yelled as she inched her way through. When she was out she turned to him pleading for him to join her. Anna reached out for him.
ldquo;You have to get out of there Nathan! rdquo; she yelled.
ldquo;I love you, rdquo; he said…his eyes wet and red with tears. He wanted to hold her, to kiss, her, to make love to her like he rsquo;d dreamed…but he knew, he would never see her again.
She stopped for a second and whispered. ldquo;I love you too… rdquo;
A deafening crash shook the ground, as his muscles gave out and the cars body sealed him in. He thought she heard her footsteps as she ran from the scene. She was safe, that was all that mattered. A smile parted his lips as he lay there amongst the darkness and the broken glass and the growing heat.
In the distance, sirens came, but it was too late. He felt the innards of the car explode, and darkness quickly enveloped him. His final thoughts were of Anna, the woman he loved, the woman he would never see again. How heartbroken would she be? If only he had told her before, this would all be different. A million thoughts went through his head before he blacked out, all of them about her, and the life they could have lived, and the love they could have shared.
~~~~
Anna sat there on her knees, watching the car become engulfed in flames. She couldn rsquo;t believe she lied to him before he died, but she knew that rsquo;s what he wanted to hear. Nathan was so good to her, she knew how he felt. She used it to her advantage, knew full well what he would do for her. She felt so bad, so guilty. She should have let him go, but she loved the attention so much. At least now, he would not be pining for her. Now, she hoped, he would be in a better place, where his dreams can be his reality.
