The last few days of blogging has shown that I don’t have much to say. Well, actually, I have a lot to say, I just happen to forget it at inconvenient moments. This time around, I actually have something I want to talk about. I must warn you though, it’s going to lead into a couple of weird segues, as it will actually lead up to posts about the upcoming Final Fantasy XIV Fan Festival 2014 that I’ll be attending in two weeks. It may not seem to make too much sense right now, but I promise, it will to some degree, in the next few days.
I’m not a risk taker, plain and simple. I am an introvert, and my first priority is not to find myself in situations that get me out of my comfort zone. This hadn’t always been the case in my life though. When I was in my twenties, I took a lot of risks. Talking to women who I thought were beautiful, despite knowing that I’m a little on the meh side. This is not modesty talking, because during my twenties, I was certainly not modest. I put myself out there, I was confident, and I was willing to make a fool out of myself no matter what the consequences were. Many times, this air of self assurance was me peacocking for a lady.
The first time I met my ex-wife, apparently I was funny and made her laugh. I never remembered that moment, but she did seem to recall it well. The event that still puzzles me today, was the day we first worked together. I had only seen the back of her head, but for some reason, that was enough for me to grow some massive testicles. Because from that barest of glimpses to the days I attempted to canoodle her, I knew I was taking a risk. But as I mentioned, I was brazen, and I kept talking to her (and possibly wearing her down), to finally starting a relationship with her. The whole situation was clumsy, bumpy, and slightly embarrassing, but I took the risk of trying to win over a woman who I felt was leagues above me. I was okay if there was rejection, I was okay if there was hostility, I was just determined to try to get this woman in my life. But I guess, eventually, a risk like that will lead to consequences
Life comes with many lessons, and Star Trek: The Next Generation taught me something in my youth. That all good things, must come to an end. And that once cocksure, fearless man learned about change, and lost trust, and a broken heart. Sappy 90’s love songs wafted through the air of his life, like a cool autumn breeze, and brushed away the red and gold maple leaves of a world he once knew. In other words, I learned, that sometimes, things aren’t work the risk. And when I say things, I mean…things, like…well, you’ll get the picture in a minute.
Any irrational person will tell you that life is all risk. The moment you walk out the door you risk being exposed to the Ebola virus. Every noun in the dictionary is a risk to your life, and every person, a risk to your heart. {=’;’=} I have no idea how to do a proper, horizontal sad face. What sane people will tell you, is that risk is a part of everyday life. You shouldn’t focus on the possible negativity you’ll experience by taking that risk, but think about the potential reward.
Quite a few years back I was given the opportunity to watch “The Price Is Right” (the Bob Barker era) as an audience member, and I was in a line to enter into the studio. I was acting like a goofball, making overt gestures with my hands while I spoke and being a little too excited to be there. The producers talked with us, got to know a little bit more about us, and it never dawned on me that they were sniffing us out to find potential contestants for the show. Well, I guess I gave away the big reveal, as I became the last contestant of that episode of “The Price is Right”. When I heard my name called, I ran up, I gave high fives, and said hi to my mom on national television. I never thought of the “risk” of acting the fool in line. How I miss those days. In the end, I came out with a mailbox and a cordless phone. Not bad for 3 minutes on television and stepping out of my comfort zone.
Those apparently unrelated experiences have all influenced how I life my life now. I don’t take much risk anymore. Risk has bitten me in the ass too many times. Those events in my life have made me the cynic and now I think everything is a risk. Opportunity, change, a different work environment, even people, are all risks. Even when I read a book, watch a show, or play a video game, I have to know how it scores, or what people think about it, to know its worth my time. I’m not willing to myself out there for something that hasn’t been tested. This has bled into all facets in my life, including the video game I’ve been into for over the last year or so, Final Fantasy XIV. This may be the part where you tune out, but hang with me for a little while longer. I hope to say something worthwhile. Heavy emphasis on the hope.
Let me give you the basics of how the game works. You have three classes of characters to chose from when creating your hero. A tank is the person who leads the charge into battle and takes all the beating, a healer is the one who’s responsible to keep everyone alive, and then, there’s the melee, who deals out all the pain. Of these three character types, only one is the safest way to play, because you have the least amount of responsibility, and get the least amount of in game criticism, and that’s the melee class. That’s the role I play as almost all of the time. I feel safe knowing that I’m dealing damage, and don’t have to think about much else. There’s no micromanaging and little to no accountability for my actions. I just have to know how to kill monsters in the game. That all changed when I reached the “end” of the game. Which in reality, Final Fantasy XIV is an MMO, where there’s potentially no end to the game. Having felt comfortable enough in my Black Mage’s skin, I decided to take a “risk”. It’s in quotes, because it’s a video game. But because the choice I was making meant other people would rely on me to know what I was doing, and I that had the potential to make a lot of people’s days, very…upsetting, I am calling this gaming choice, a risk. That risk, was playing the role of a healer.
At first I took it slowly, not feeling the weight of culpability on my shoulders. I played alone, getting to know my new avatar. As I played, I found myself feeling less and less antsy about this important role. The first few levels, the only person I had to heal, was myself, and the random passersby. For some reason, it was not enough, I wanted to try out more. As a result, I finally took the plunge, and started playing the game with others. I kept people alive on short excursions and it felt good. I was gaining confidence wielding an unfamiliar character and it was nice.
I decided to test my limits a bit and I entered a longer campaign. I partook in my first dungeon. That was a mistake. My anxiety grew ten fold as I followed my fellow companions through perilous corridor after perilous corridor. Monsters were taking out my comrades, and, as I was new to healing, I was the reason why they fell. I sucked at healing! After the third death in our group, I was ready to give up. I’m new to this character, there should have been a reasonable expectation that I would not be good. That’s when a switch flipped in my head.
Despite the fumbling and the failing, I was having fun. And as we progressed through the dungeon, not willing to give up, I found myself improving. I was healing better, I was keeping people alive, and those cure spells spilled form from my oak staff… ahem… I was getting the hang of being a Conjurer. It was a strangely positive experience, but it was also an important one. Not every risk needs to lead to something bad. Not all good deeds and intentions get punished. Yes, reader, that’s how deep it goes sometimes. So large is my fear of risk.
I’ve come to the conclusion that life can be an uncomfortable experience, where even small interactions can feel like the biggest risks. Anxiety and uncertainty can certainly build up in places where there is no threat. And with my one small step as a healer, I may be able to apply this renewed outlook to my personal life. Because the next risk for me is the convention. An event I love to go to, but fear at the same time. And with my first time going to the Fan Festival, and interacting with like minded gamers, possibly talking with developers, and just having to be social, I feel that the uneasiness of being amongst a large crowd may overtake me and I just hide in a corner. The funny thing is, my anxiety won’t end there, as I am press for Stan Lee’s Comikaze, at the end of the month. As a result, I’m a bundle of nerves, and I don’t like it.
Yet, my brain knows these conventions aren’t risks. Talking to people is not a risk. Having a good time is not a risk. The rational mind tells me this is so. And hopefully that means I’m making baby steps towards being the person I once was. These are, hopefully, baby steps to the confident, sociable, personable man I once was. And HOPEFULLY, this might encourage someone out there to step out of their comfort zone, and take a risk.
