Written by: Dave the Drummer
Like a lot of people, I don’t interact well in person. I’m a shy little dude. I mightn’t seem it on Geek Love Radio, but I have the luxury of hiding behind a screen. I’ve tried a whole bunch of stuff to loosen myself up when I’m around people. Mostly drinking, but it’s a fine line when alcohol is involved. One drink turns you from Mr. Life into that creepy dude who kept on shouting “FREEBIRD!” at the DJ and had to be escorted out. Alone.
So, taking all that into consideration, what other options are there for those of us more likely to have a panic attack than a casual conversation? Why, you could try online dating! There was a time not too long ago when the phrase “Online dating” conjured images of Rocky Dennis’ less attractive basement-living brother and bunny-boiling crazy women sending totally sexy messages to each other in the minds of those “Normal” people who think you have to double-click on a web link. Not so much any more. Now it’s images of Revenge Of The Nerds cast. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah…
I decided to test drive all of those guides to success for people looking for someone to snuggle with using the electronic route. Most of them said the exact same stuff. Some of the stuff seemed
counter-intuitive. A lot of made so much sense you might not have even thought about it, in the way that easy solutions are often over looked. The most important thing to remember, though? It ain’t just
you and a sea of your sexual preference on that site. You are up against a whole lot of others. All of a sudden, online dating looks just as futile and daunting as your local night club. Who would choose
you over xX11inchschlong69Xx? I’ll bet that dude, with his backwards baseball cap and apparent lack of upper body clothes, gets TONS of messages! That bastard. You know what? He probably does. Yeah, I said it! He probably gets way tons of messages from chicks! You know what else? I would only get freaky with those chicks if I was wearing a hazmat suit. Christ only knows what they have going on. That took me a long time to get over. Why would I want to date a girl / lady / woman/ pair of boobs that has an interest in guys like that? Chances are they’re just as vapid and uninteresting as no-shirt-man and his extensive collection of Limp Bizkit CDs. Ask yourself, who would you rather have a relationship with? A Plain to maybe not so attractive Jane with a great personality who might make really great waffles, or the chick in short-shorts who is more concerned with how orange her skin is than those very same waffles? I’m talking long term here. I’d like Miss. Jane. Waffles beats everything, and I don’t want orange powder all over my shit.
I’m not saying set your standards lower, but don’t be so selective. It makes sense that the more people you send a message to, the more replies you’ll get back. Just do it with care. I’ll be getting into the things I learned in this area in the next article. Or after that. I dunno. For now, let’s talk about how to put yourself out there.
THE ALMIGHTY LIST!
1 – Choosing your site(s):
There are so fuckin’ many out there it’s just lunacy. Some are based on where it is you are on the planet, some are… more specific. If you want to meet someone who is interested in the same stuff you are, I’m confident that there is a site tucked away somewhere just for you and the others who like it when pregnant women smoke with their feet in public dressed as a slutty maid. Know what I mean? I hope so.
2 – Your username:
This is one of the first things people will see, next to your image, but choosing this comes before you get to upload your sexy face. I can’t tell you what to call yourself, but try to make it something that stands out and says something about your personality. Your PERSONALITY, not how you look or how long your peener is. Unless it’s tiny, I’d love to see what the reactions are. Something to take note of is whether or not your chosen site has a chatroom. If you want to use that feature, you’ll be using your site handle. Think about that. Upwards of twenty people will be seeing your name over and over again. The biggest issue I’ve had in the chatroom of my chosen site is all down to my username. It says a lot about me, I think, but it has an asexual ring to it, and a lot of people can’t be bothered to check your profile to see what it is your pants are packing. As a result, I get hit on by dudes. At first, it was funny. Then it got annoying. Then it got funny again when I realised I got laughs by playing along. The reactions of the guys who hit on me when I said I was a dude were just great. You’ll probably have them call you “Faggt [sic]” a bunch, but hey, THEY were hitting on YOU. Feel free to remind them and everyone else reading in on your conversation that.
3 – Your image:
This is the big one. What the Hell do you put up? Again, I can’t tell you, but I feel like I can tell you what to NOT put up. Don’t put up a photograph you took of yourself in the mirror. It looks totally absurd. I see them a lot, and my initial thought isn’t “Wow, what a great photo!” It’s usually something like “Why are they in their bathroom?” or “That mirror is filthy.” Often there’s a nasty glare. Don’t put a photo where it’s clearly posed for the site. As much as you think it doesn’t look like it, people know. Do not, PLEASE,
Photoshop your image. Wanna know how many I’ve seen that have a high contrast filter applied? Approximately lots. It doesn’t make you look deliciously pale. It makes you look like you have something to hide. Maybe you have blemishes you don’t want people to see, which brings me to my next point.
4 – Your “About Me”:
Be honest. You want to hook up with someone, right? How do you think it’ll pan out if you tell a lie, you meet someone really cool you’d like to know better, only for them to discover you’re full of shit? Congrats, you just screwed up a chance. You mightn’t have ever had that chance if you didn’t lie in the first place, but try keeping up he same lies over an extended period. I’d imagine that’s tiring. I’ve
said this before on the show, but don’t SAY, DO. Are you funny? Don’t tell them, actually be funny. You think they’re more likely to remember someone saying they’re funny, or someone who made them laugh? In my profile, I wrote a wee poem using the exact amount of allowable characters. I even referenced that fact. OK, so it’s not gut-busting stuff, but I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on the originality of it. That’s a step up the ladder. A couple of chicks are even return visitors. This is your big chance to sell yourself. Do yourself a favour, though, and don’t talk about your perfect girl / guy in this
section, if at all. If you insist on doing so, don’t get into physical traits unless they are a 100% no-go area. The reasoning is simple; you’re immediately stopping potential partners from getting in contact. Imagine the scenario:
“Oh, look! I’m_Batman is pretty cute looking. He has all 649 Pok eacute;mon! My genitalia is quivering! Oh, wait, he says he prefers blondes. I’m a brunette. That’s a shame. I would like to have his children and make him waffles. Who’s next… Oh, look! xX11inchschlong69Xx is pretty cute!”
Not cool.
5 – Your interests:
More often than not you’ll have a section dedicated to the crap you’re interested in. Personally, media is my killer area. I can not sit through a movie, television show or album I have no interest in, even if it’s for a hot girl. My natural critic kicks in and I go on a long winded rant telling you exactly why it’s a piece of shit. Just ask Francis, he’s heard those rants. I’m a huge movie dork, and I’ve found something that works for me. I made a list (Shit yeah, lists!) of some of my all time favourite movies. My initial list was five lists of five movies. Too many. They were all for different countries, styles and eras. What I did instead was smoosh the lists together to come up with a top five. My sudden love for Korean cinema has given me a surprising in, I’ve gotten a few messages and had some good conversations about Korean movies with pretty ladies. I think it helps that the movie I chose is a romantic comedy, and chicks like them, right? If there’s something which you don’t like or dislike, something which you nothing, then just leave it out. This is one of those things that sounds like “Well, duh…” but you’d be surprised. It mostly
makes you look indecisive, which isn’t a particularly good trait.
So, this ended up way longer than I thought it would. I may have missed some things, some things might be talked about later on in the follow ups, but feel free to leave a comment or shoot me a message at the usual address (daveofglr@gmail.com). Questions, queries, hate mail, genitalia, I can handle it all.
Dave, The Confident Drummer.
