Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.netWritten By Dani the Universe
It seems to be one of those weeks where I have so much to talk about and yet nothing at all to say. Fan-freaking-tastic. I’m literally about to pull this entire article straight out of my ass so bear with me.
Allow me to drop my usual facade of badassery and talk about something uncharacteristically personal for a tetra second, if only for the sake of this Godforsaken blog. I am well aware that I have very low self-worth. I’ve had friends stage entire interventions because of this and it’s not exactly something that I can simply wish away. It honestly hasn’t bothered me much until I watched someone close to me attempt to sabotage her own happiness because she has the same problem so now I feel it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.
What happens when, “You’re too good for me/I don’t deserve you” is actually used as a legitimate reason and not a clich eacute; excuse? Have you ever dated someone well below your league just because you couldn’t stand to be with someone who stood as your equal? Insecurities really are a bitch.
I spent two years in a relationship with someone who was (and I mean this in the most sincere and non-insulting way that I possibly can) less intelligent, less ambitious, less talented and less socially apt than I. That being said, it hardly comes as a shock that, once we split, someone mentioned that I could do better. But I’m not sure I wanted to.
If I’m not the superior in the relationship, I feel as though I’d crumble into a billion little self-loathing pieces of broken Dani. Call me a headcase, call me out on whatever complex you think I might have, but being second banana to the person I’m with is unacceptable to me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s what keeps me from being genuinely happy because after all, the more successful the person I’m with is, the higher the standard I’ll have to hold myself to. The higher the standard, the tougher it will be for me to maintain because, as we all know, an equal amount of effort and struggle must be sacrificed in order to raise one’s value. Perhaps I’m simply taking the easy way out. There’s an eye-opener for ya.
This all leads me to wonder: Were the men I was with… actually stronger than me for being able to accept 2nd place?
It feels as though there’s almost a rivalry between myself and the person I choose to date, especially if they are more skilled than me in a crucial area. Now I’m not under any delusions that I’m actually, you know, all that great. At anything. At all. (I wish I were kidding.) However, there’s a competitive nature that flares up in me when I’m out-witted or out-done in something I wanted to be better at. And it sure as shit doesn’t help when, after being with men who marvel at how great I am at whatever nonsense I happen to be doing, I’m suddenly in the presence of someone who seemingly finds my talents mediocre at best.
Maybe it all just means that I do need to get better at what I do. Maybe I’ll go to the gym 7 days a week instead of 4, learn how to cook more than 5 dishes, take some writing courses so my articles don’t rely on tangents and boring anecdotes to get a point across.
Pain. In. My. Ass.
